The Devil At Hogwarts
by kennydied
Summary: God and Satan have made a deal, they go to Hogwarts as guests to make guard the Potter boy. And the golden trio has got another mystery on their hands. With devils, angels,and Satan and God themselves Voldemort doesn't stand a chance. Golden trio bashing, shounen ai, swearing, goodDraco eventually. Read it!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Cuz if I did the story would be much different...and probably suck.* sigh* Now stop listening to my pity part and read!**

The Devil At Hogwarts

Chapter One: It's a Deal

**Order meeting room/ kitchen**

" So what's do you want me to do this time, God?" asked a boy whose hair made him look like a stray mutt. He turned to eye the boy opposite him warily. The other was dressed very formally in comparison to his black t- shirt and cargo pants. His accent branded him as an American. The other boy smirked.

" So you're an American this time, fitting. Anyway, Satan, I need your help." God said.

Satan laughed like a madman before catching the look on the other's face.

" You're serious. Well then, what can I do for you 'brother' of mine?"

" You are coming with me to Hogwarts. We're be attending there as guests of the head master. We will be participating in classes, however we will not be sorted in to houses. What do you want in exchange for helping me?" God was no fool. He knew his 'brother' would want something in exchange, that's how his mind worked. In exchange for services something had to be given that was of equal value; it was simple logic.(1) His 'brother's' mid worked on logic while his worked more on feelings. His ' brother's response brought him out of his thoughts.

" Stephenie Meyer , I want her soul."

Somehow he wasn't surprised, his brother really despised the Meyer woman; he wasn't a fan of her work either. Not that it had been written yet, it wouldn't for another 9 years. He smiled, he always like working with his 'twin'.(2)

"Deal."

" Excellent", Satan pushed away from the table and walk towards the door. " I'm going to go shut up the Potter kid."

God's eye twitched, that Potter kid would doubtingly say something to set his 'brother' off.

"Oh, shit!"

**Upstairs**

To say Harry James Potter was angry was an understatement. He was furious. His friends hadn't told him anything all summer, so he decided to let out his frustration on his friends.

" SO YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE MEETINGS, BIG DEAL! YOU'VE STILL BEEN HERE, HAVEN'T YOU? YOU'VE STILL BEEN TOGETHER! ME, I'VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEY'S FOR A MONTH! AND I'VE HANDLED MORE THAN YOU TWO'VE EVER MANAGED AND DUMBLEDORE KNOWS IT-WHO SAVED THE SORCERER'S STONE? WHO GOT RID OF RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM DEMENTORS?"

" Who needs to shut the hell up?" asked a voice from the doorway. All three turned to stare at the stranger in the doorway.

Said stranger was wearing a black slacks and a black t shirt with a strange insignia on it.(3) His hair was dishevel and made him look demented. One of his eyes was hidden by an eye patch and his visible one mad them shiver in fear. It was as a crimson red that seemed to glow. It shown with pure madness. Harry immediately turned his anger onto the strange man.

" What the hell do you know! I bet you've never seen anyone die before your eyes!" The second he spoke these words Harry wished he could take them back. The smile that had been on the stranger's face disappeared, and his eyes shown with utter furry. In a split second, the stranger was looming over him, looking angry enough to kill. Until someone grabbed the boy from behind and pulled him back.

" Now, now 'brother'. We just made a deal, we can't have you breaking it already."

Harry's eyes widened at the sight of this new person. They had the exact same face! Well, not exactly, he realized. This new person had white hair instead of black, and his eyes were silver. He was also dressed much neater and he radiated kindness. The black haired one went limp for a second before turning back to his brother with a grin.

" Heh, sorry brother."

His 'brother' sighed before patting him on the head.

"Jeez, what am I going to do with you, brat?"

The black haired one turned to his 'brother' and pouted. Harry might have laughed at the face the boy was making if he hadn't looked ready to kill him only a few minutes ago.

" Oi, don't call me brat, I'm older than you, dammit!"(4)

White(5) just laughed and patted his head again.

" Whatever you say. Now go down stairs so we can leave."

Black threw his hands in the air as if he was asking the heavens for assistance.

" God please help my brother see that I'm the older one, dammit!" His 'brother' smacked him upside the head.

" You know damn well, God doesn't like swearing!"

Black's head came back up with a smirk on his face.

" Says the one who just swore."

White sputtered for a moment before taking a deep breath.

" Just go downstairs so we can leave already!"

" Fine, just hurry up."

" I'll be right behind you."

Without sparing another glance, Black left the room muttering about disrespecting younger siblings. As soon as his 'brother' left White turned back to the golden trio. His eyes had lost any mirth they had had when his 'brother' was in the room.

" Now listen to me very closely, child. If you ever say anything like that to my 'brother' again, I will do things to you beyond your worst nightmares, and worst than anything this ' Lord Moldy-shorts could ever do to you. Understand?"

If that was anyone else, Harry would have laughed in their faces and told them that they could never do anything worse than what Voldemort could do, but all he could do was nod. Harry knew he wasn't joking and that he could indeed keep his threat.

" Good, I'm glad we understand each other."

And with that he left the room. Harry knew he wasn't kidding. Voldemort was a child having a temper tantrum compared to those two. This was going to be a long year.

** Just outside the room**

God sighed as he left the room. He put his head in his hands and groaned. The Potter boy was going to be trouble. He was reckless, rude, stubborn, but most of all he was nosey. And they'd just given him a mystery on a silver platter. He heard a snicker and looked up to see his 'brother' leaning on the stairs. He'd obviously heard everything.

" I think you made them wet themselves." he snickered again.

" Let's just go."

" One last question."

" What is it?"

" You said we'd be attending Hogwarts as guests, right?"

" Yes..."

Where was this going?

" That means we don't have to wear those ridiculous robes, right?"

Ah, now it made sense. His brother always like clothing that he could move around in, he practically had A.D.H.D, and the robes would restrict his movement.

" Yep, we get to wear regular clothes."

" Oh, thank God."

He smiled, his brother always knew how to make his stress go away instantly. That's why he loved him. He put his hand around his 'brother's' waist.

" You're welcome."

End of chapter one

**Author's notes:**

**This is a simple translation of the law of equivalent exchange (Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first Law of Equivalent Exchange. ~ Alphonse Elric, Full Metal Alchemist )**

**As to why there's '…' every time brother or twin is mentioned is b/cthey're not really brothers/twins as much as they are opposites of each other( like yin and yang). Which means they're not really related, so it's not incest/twincest but it shounenai! HA!**

*** thinking: what was three again? Oh yeah!* The insignia is an upside down pentacle b/c he's Satan...so yeah.**

**He's not really older ( that he can prove anyway) but he likes to act like he is, mainly to mess with people.**

**These aren't their actual names but as their names aren't mention harry gave them obvious substitute names.**

** Please review! But no flames please! Critism welcomed!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: like I said, if I owned it, it would probably suck. In other words, I own nothing; although it would be awesome if I owned 'Animal I Have Become'.**

'_blah' _inner thoughts/ songs

The Devil at Hogwarts

Chapter Two

The summer pasted quickly and Harry forgot the strangers, until they got onto the Hogwarts Express. Ron and Hermione had left to attend to their prefect duties, leaving Harry alone in the compartment. Not that he was jealous or anything; how immature would that be? He sighed, '_And now I'm talking to myself, bloody brilliant.' _ His self pity- I mean, inner thoughts- were disrupted by yelling outside.

"Hurry up so we can find a carriage before there all taken!" shouted a very frustrated voice. Harry thought it sounded familiar but he couldn't quite place where he'd heard it before.

"If you'd just given me my coffee we wouldn't be having this problem would we?" replied a soft yet distinctly tired voice. This person sounded familiar as well, who were they?

The compartment door slid open and a head peaked in. Harry had to stop himself from gasping; it was the two strangers from before! Harry was surprised to see that the soft voice had belonged to the black haired one. The boy looked like he hadn't slept at all. The boy gave Harry a tired smile.

"Can we sit here? All the other compartments are full." He didn't seem to recognise Harry, and if he did, he hid it very well. Harry nodded a quick yes and they sat down. It didn't seem like the other two were going to start a conversation, so Harry decided to ask a question that had been on his mind for a while.

"So, what are you names?" he asked and winced at how lame that sounded. Both boys looked at him, as though expecting something. At his blank face the black haired one decided to have mercy on the poor boy.

"Shouldn't you tell us your name before asking ours?"

Harry was surprised; he thought everyone in the wizarding world knew who he was. Did that mean that these two weren't wizards? He decided to talk to Ron and Hermione about this at dinner.

"Sorry, you're right. My name is Harry Potter. What are you names?"

The two glanced at each other, they seemed shocked. The black haired one recovered first.

"Well, my name's Me, and this is my brother Myself. I is around here somewhere."

Harry's eye twitched slightly; they wanted to keep their names a secret, fine. 'Me' had started humming a song Harry had never heard before.

"You mean you've really never heard of Three Days Grace! Good god, you wizards are missing out on a lot."

"How does it go?"

"I think the lyrics are something like this:

_I can't escape this hell  
So many times I've tried  
But I'm still caged inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself_

So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal!  
This animal, this animal

I can't escape myself  
So many times I've lied  
But there's still rage inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself  
Somebody wake me from this nightmare  
I can't escape this hell

This animal, this animal  
This animal, this animal  
This animal, this animal  
This animal

So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal!  
This animal I have become "

Harry was surprised that 'Me' was such a good singer. Suddenly, 'Myself' turned to the door.

"You can come out now", he said sharply. The door opened to reveal an embarrassed Ron and Hermione.

They seemed shocked to see Harry talking so animated to the two strangers. They had heard 'Me' start singing just as they had been about to enter the compartment. Naturally, after introductions, they bombarded him with questions.

"Where on earth did you learn to sing so well, 'Me'?" was Hermione's first question.

"Bloody hell mate, you could be famous with a voice like that!" that was naturally Ron's comment. 'Me' looked desperately to his twin for assistance. However, before his brother could do anything, the door slid open this time to reveal one Draco Malfoy.

"What the hell do you want Malfoy?"Harry asked aggressively, before Malfoy could open his mouth.

"Manners, Potter, or I'll have to give you a detention. I, unlike you, have been made a prefect," Malfoy glanced around the compartment, his eyes finally stopping on the twins.

"Oh, it's nice to see you two again."

The Golden trio was shocked, to say the least. Malfoy was acting so friendly with these two strangers. They were even more surprised to see 'Me', and Myself chatting with him. Ron finally blurted out.

"You two know this slimy git!"

Harry and Hermione groaned internally. They were going to try to subtle. They'd ask, **politely**, how the three knew each other. Hermione elbowed him in the side. He turned to glare her before turning to the three opposite them. All three looked annoyed.

"You shouldn't judge people when you barely even know them," 'Myself' said curtly. Ron opened his mouth to argue.

"I know enough to know he's an a-!" He was once again elbowed in the side by Hermione, who looked slightly afraid. Then he noticed why.

Waves of killer intent were rolling of the three. He sunk in his seat and shut his mouth. The silence continued for five minutes until Malfoy got up to leave. As he was about to step out the door, he hesitated before turning to hand the twins a manila folder.

"Consider it my thanks for getting me out of there," he called back as he closed the door.

The twins smiled and opened the folder and began pouring over its contents; they had angled the folder so the golden trio couldn't see what was inside. They spoke in hushed tones and seemed to argue for a few minutes before coming to a conclusion. Finally they sat back into the seats and seemed to daze off. 'Me' was sitting cross-legged while once again humming; Myself laid his head back to stare at the ceiling.

"Um, what did you do for him?" Hermione asked while biting her lip, afraid of upsetting them.

'Me' cracked open his eyes to stare at her. She shrunk in her seat, fearing that knowing look in his crimson eyes, and then she sat up straight in defiance. She looked at him unflinching, all traces of fear gone. 'Me' smiled slightly, impressed at this girl's bravery, this girl was a true Gryffindor. Out of new found respect, he decided to answer her.

"We helped him and his family escape from some 'Dark Lord' or whatever his name was, something about threatening to kill them with a stick or something. How foolish," 'Me' said causally, as if he were talking about the weather, "…What's with the faces?"

He looked to see the Golden Trio opening and closing their mouths like fish above water. _'If this was an anime, I'd be sweat dropping right now'_ he fought down the giggle threatening to escape his lips.

Suddenly, Harry stood up and grabbed 'Me' by the collar, and started shaking him. Ron and Hermione attempted to pull their friend back, saying it wasn't worth it. Harry wasn't having any of it. How dare this complete stranger make fun of the _Avada Kedavra_curse, of all the people Voldemort had killed, of his parents that had died for his sake.

"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU TALK ABOUT PEOPLE'S DEATH SO CAUSALLY? DON'T YOU HAVE ANY COMPASSION! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A SOUL?" He was shouting; he didn't care. He didn't care if everyone on the train could hear him. He expected to see the boy angry, scared, anything; what he saw scared him. "Me's" eyes were cold and calm.

"Kid, have you even experienced a war? And no, your little war doesn't count. I mean a war with guns, bombs, swords, actual weapons. Your pathetic little _Avada Kedavra _has no honour! If you're going to engage in a war, do it the proper way! Let the soldiers know that they are dying with honor that they are dying defending a cause that they truly believed in! The Avada Kedavra is painless, I can think of many worse ways to die. This is why I hate wizards, you are weak and pathetic! And worst of all, you are cowards! Compared to muggle soldiers, you wizards are scum."

And with that, 'Me' and 'Myself' walked out of the compartment, closing the door with a click; a deafening silence filled the compartment, each occupant pondering those words.

End of chapter

**A/N: That came out rather well. I'm happy. So yeah, again, not their real names, he just likes to mess with people. And I hate to say it, because I really do like HP, but I do feel the same way as 'Me'. They are pretty weak. Review! Please? I don't even care what it is! (Although I would prefer no "flames", however criticism is fine.) Sorry about spelling and what-not, I rewrote both this story and this chapter so some stuff may not have gotten fully deleted. Thanks so much for reading! (But seriously, review!)**

**Yours truly,**

** kennydied**


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